Twelfth Night Act 1: A Modernization
by Masked Man 2
Summary: A modernization of Act 1 of Twelfth Night, written for an AP English class.


**Author's Note: So, this modernization of Act 1 of** _ **Twelfth Night**_ **was created to be a final project for my AP English Language and Composition class, by myself and a friend who chose to read this play post-AP test. We definitely had entirely too much fun writing this (and creating the movie that we presented to the class; if anyone's curious, I'll get you the link), and I hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own** _ **Twelfth Night**_ **, but I DO own a copy of the play, and the paper dolls I drew to be our actors in the film.**

 **Act 1, Scene 1: Orsino's palace**

 **Orsino:** Love, love, love, love, blah, blah, blah. Oh, love is such a fickle thing! It makes us crazy, wanting things one minute and hating them the next. It's the greatest feeling in the world; _nothing_ compares to it!

 **Curio** : Hey, mate, wanna go hunting?

 **Orsino:**... _What?_

 **Curio** : Harts, man, harts!

 **Orsino:** That's what I'm _doing_ , only it's MY heart being hunted! Oh, when I first saw Olivia, she made the entire world... _sparkle_. In that moment I _became_ the hart, and my lust and love were the dogs hounding my pitiful ass!

 _ **Enter VALENTINE**_

 **Orsino:** Hey, Valentine! What news?

 **Valentine:** Dude, you just need to chill out. Her brother is dead. _Dead_. She's mourning still; give her time! She'll come around eventually.

 **Orsino** : If she loves her _dead_ brother so much, think of how much she'll love _me_ \- a live, grown man!- when I finally... _win her over_ and make her forget all of her other...obligations. Take me to the garden. I need a beautiful place to sit and contemplate love. Oh, Olivia- my heart!

 **Act 1, Scene 2: The shore of Illyria**

 **Viola:** Where are we?

 **Captain:** We're inIllyria, Viola.

 **Viola:** Okay, but like, what do you want me to even do here? My brother is dead, he freaking drowned.

 **Captain:** You are lucky to be alive.

 **Viola:** Maybe my brother is still alive, too.

 **Captain:** Yeah, I guess that's plausible. When the ship went down, I saw your brother, clinging to to the mast in the waters. He might yet live.

 **Viola:** Thanks for your help! Have some ca$h monies. Do you know this country?

 **Captain** : Yeah, I was born and raised about three hours away. The Duke Orsino rules here.

 **Viola:** Orsino? My dad told me all about him! He was a bachelor, then.

 **Captain:** And he still is. However, there are rumors that he is in love with the beautiful Olivia.

 **Viola:** Who's she?

 **Captain:** She was the daughter of a count, but he died. So her brother took care of her, and then he died. Now she can't stand the sight of men.

 **Viola:** I wish I could work for her! It'd be a great way to hide from the world until I'm ready to show myself to the world.

 **Captain:** That's not gonna happen. She doesn't let anyone see her, not even messengers.

 **Viola:** O Captain, my captain, you seem a good man, and even though so many beautiful people are ugly inside, I think that you have a beautiful mind to go with your good looks and manners. Wanna help me disguise myself as a boy? I'll even pay you! I'll even go as a eunuch! Just...please don't tell anyone what I'm doing?

 **Captain:** K cool, as long as I'm getting paid.

 **Viola** : Henceforth, I will be CESARIO!

 **Act 1, Scene 3: Olivia's house**

 **Sir Toby:** What the hell's wrong with my niece? She's taking her brother's death so strangely! Grief is bad for your health, you know.

 **Maria:** Sir Toby, you need to come earlier; Olivia hates it when you riot out here so late at night!

 **Toby:** She needs to just _chill_!

 **Maria** : Maybe, but _you_ need to keep yourself within the limits of decency!

 **Toby:** PFFT! The only thing I'm keeping is my clothes! They're good enough to drink in, anyway, and that's all I really need from them. If they can't do that much, hang 'em high! ...By their laces.

 **Maria:** You'll kill yourself, drinking so much; Olivia said so yesterday. She also mentioned some stupid knight, Sir Andrew Aguecheek, that you'd brought in as a possible husband for her.

 **Toby:** Sir Andrew? He's as tall as any man in Illyria.

 **Maria:** What does his _height_ have to do with anything?!

 **Toby:** Well, he earns three thousand ducats a year.

 **Maria:** I'll bet he _spends_ it all in a year, the idiot.

 **Toby** : Aw, c'mon, don't be like that! He's actually incredibly talented. He has all of nature's best gifts.

 **Maria:** RIGHT- a natural-born idiot. Anyway, he's argumentative, to boot; if he weren't such a coward, he'd be dead right now.

 **Toby:** Anyone who says that is a lying piece of garbage! Who says that, anyway?

 **Maria:** The same people who say he gets drunk with you every night.

 **Toby:** Well. We drink only to toast Olivia! I'll drink to that anyday, as long as there's booze in the land and life in my body. Anyone who refuses to drink to my niece until his brain spins around like a merry-go-round is SCUM. ...Hey! Here's Sir Andrew!

 _ **Enter SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK**_

 **Sir Andrew:** Sir Toby Belch! How's it going, man?

 **Toby:** Sweet Sir Andrew, brothah!

 **Andrew:** And _hel-LO_ to you, too, little wench.

 **Maria:** Hello.

 **Toby:** Chat her up, Andy, chat her up!

 **Andrew:**...Say what?

 **Toby:** This is _my niece's maid._

 **Andrew:** Oh, my dear Miss Chat-her-up, I'd _love_ to get to know you better-!

 **Maria:** My name is Mary, buddy.

 **Andrew:** Miss Mary Chat-her-up-

 **Toby:** NO! My dear boy, you've got it entirely backwards! I wasn't telling you her _name_ ; I was telling you to go after her!

 **Andrew:** …

 **Toby:** Woo her. Sweet-talk her. _Jump her bones_.

 **Andrew:** _OH!_...Dear GAD, I'd never do something like that with people watching! Is that really what you meant?!

 **Maria:** Bye! _**Starts to exit**_

 **Toby:** Jesus, man, don't let her get away! What sort of man are you?

 **Andrew:** If I let you leave, Miss, I guess I'm...not a man? I'm not just spouting nonsense; I meant what I said! What, d'you think you've got a couple of fools on your hands?

 **Maria:** I'm not _holding_ your hands, sir.

 **Andrew:** But you will- here! _**Offers MARIA his hand**_

 **Maria:** Shove off! Take your hand to a bar and put a drink in it!

 **Andrew:** But... _why?_

 **Maria:** Your hands are dry, is why.

 **Andrew:** Well, I hope so; I'm not so stupid that I don't know how to dry my hands...but I still don't get the joke.

 **Maria:** It's only my dry humor.

 **Andrew:** Are you always this funny?

 **Maria** : ...Yup. I've got all sorts of jokes, but OOPS! I let go of your hand! There goes the biggest joke of all.

 _ **Exit MARIA**_

 **Toby:** You, my befuddled friend, need a drink. When have you ever let someone turn you down like that?

 **Andrew** : Never! Usually I only have such bad luck with the ladies when I'm plastered off my ass! ...Sometimes I really do think I'm stupid. Maybe it's all the red meat I eat.

 **Toby:** Yup. Definitely.

 **Andrew:** BAH. If I really believed that, I'd go vegan. By the way, I'm going home tomorrow.

 **Toby:** _Pourquoi_?

 **Andrew:** What does that even mean? Aw, I wish I'd paid more attention in school; then I'd know what it meant!

 **Toby:** If you had stayed in school, you'd have had great hair.

 **Andrew:** How would that have fixed my hair?

 **Toby:** Well, it won't style itself!

 **Andrew:** But doesn't my hair look good anyway?

 **Toby:** Oh, it looks _great_ : like an old, worn-out mop. You should get some lady to give you syphilis so you go bald.

 **Andrew:** Listen, man, I really am leaving. Your niece is a lost cause; she doesn't want anything to do with anyone. Orsino's courting her, anyway; I've got no chance.

 **Toby:** She's not interested in _Orsino!_ She's not interested in anyone richer, smarter, better ranked, or older than she is, so cheer up, man! You've still got a chance with her.

 **Andrew:** Oh, fine; I'll stay another month. Hey, I'm a weird guy, you know. Sometimes all I want to do is see plays and dance.

 **Toby:** Are you any good at those things?

 **Andrew:** Oh, as good as anyone, unless they're better at it than me.

 **Toby:** You any good at fast dances?

 **Andrew:** Oh, HELL yes; I can cut a caper.

 **Toby:** And I can cut meat to go with your capers.

 **Andrew:** And _I_ can do that fancy backwards step...thing.

 **Toby:** Dude, why hide your talents? Do you think they'll get dusty, or something? Why don't you dance all the time? If I was half as good at dancing as you, I would. I wouldn't even pee without doing a jig. What are you _thinking_ , man? This isn't the sort of world to hide your talents in! You're a born dancer; look how shapely your legs are!

 **Andrew:** Ooh, you're right, they _do_ look good- especially in tights. Should we throw a dance party?

 **Toby:** Why not? We're Taureans, ain't we?

 **Andrew:** Doesn't Taurus govern the body and heart?

 **Toby:** Nope! Legs and thighs, man, legs and thighs. Come on, let's see you dance!

 **Andrew:** _ **Dances**_

 **Toby:** WHOO! Rock on!

 _ **Exeunt**_

 **Act 1, Scene 4: Orsino's palace**

 _ **Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA as CESARIO**_

 **Valentine:** If Orsino keeps treating you so well, Cesario, you're made. He's only known you for three days, and already he treats you like his best friend.

 **Viola:** So...are you saying that his favor won't last? Is he prone to just...changing his mind about people on a whim?

 **Valentine:**...No, not really.

 **Viola:** Thanks...oh, speak of the devil.

 _ **Enter ORSINO and CURIO**_

 **Orsino:** Hey, has anyone seen Cesario?

 **Viola:** Right here, m'lord.

 **Orsino:** Some privacy, please! _**SERVANTS turn their backs**_ Cesario, I need a favor. I've confessed to you all the secrets of my soul, so _please_ , go to Olivia's house, and if no one lets you in, plant yourself outside her door and say that you won't leave until they do!

 **Viola:** But...if she's as depressed as everyone says she is, she'll never let me in.

 **Orsino:** Be loud and obnoxious, for all I care! Try _anything_ until you can get in!

 **Viola:** Okaaay. So, hypothetically speaking, if I were to get in, what would I do then?

 **Orsino:** Tell her how much I love her! Overwhelm her with examples of my faith; act out my passion towards her. She'd be more likely to believe a young guy like you than some old, crotchety curmudgeon.

 **Viola:** Um...I doubt that.

 **Orsino:** Oh, but Cesario, it's true! Anyone who calls you a man must be blind to your youth. Your lips are as smooth and red as Diana's, your voice soft and clear like a little girl's, and the rest of you is feminine, too! You're _perfect_ for this job. Hey, slaves, you all go with Cesario; I'm happiest when I'm alone. Cesario, if you succeed, I'll pay you _so_ well; my whole fortune will be yours!

 **Viola:** Okay, my lord; I'll try to make her love you. _ **Aside**_ But that's going to be tough- matchmaking for the guy I want to marry myself!

 _ **Exeunt**_

 **Act 1, Scene 5: Olivia's house**

 _ **Enter MARIA and FESTE**_

 **Maria:** No! Either you tell me where you've been, or I won't make excuses to Olivia for you. She'll hang you for being absent, you know.

 **Feste:** Let her hang me, then. A hanged man doesn't have to be afraid of what he sees, anyhow.

 **Maria:** How do you know?

 **Feste:** Well, the dead can't see, now, can they?

 **Maria:** Oh, that's rich, coming from you. I know _exactly_ where you get all your talk of bravery.

 **Feste:** Where from, pretty Mary?

 **Maria:** From the soldiers! It's easy enough for you to talk about bravery when you'll never leave the palace to go off and fight like they do!

 **Feste:** Well, we've all got our gifts. Some are born intelligent, but those who were meant to be fools should do what they do best.

 **Maria:** That doesn't matter; Olivia'll still kill you, or at least fire you, which would be just as bad for you.

 **Feste:** Ay, getting killed is a great way to avoid getting married. Besides, it's summer; being homeless won't do me much harm.

 **Maria:** You've made up your mind, then?

 **Feste:** Noo, but I've made it up on two points.

 **Maria:** Yeah, the two points where your suspenders are attached to your buttons. Break one, and the other will hold, but break both, and your pants will come flying down.

 **Feste:** Clever, very clever! You'd be the funniest person in Illyria...if Sir Toby ever stopped drinking.

 **Maria:** Oh, shut it, you. Here comes Olivia now. If you know what's good for you, you'd better think up a good excuse for your absence.

 _ **Exit MARIA**_

 **Feste:** God, please, give me something funny to say!

 _ **Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO**_

 **Feste:** Alright, madam!

 **Olivia:** Get that fool out of here.

 **Feste:** Oi, d'you hear, lads? Get the lady outta here!

 **Olivia:** Oh, _do_ go away; you're such a boring fool! I don't want anything to do with you anymore...besides, you've become unreliable lately.

 **Feste:** Madam. Those two flaws can _easily_ be fixed by a bit o' bitter and some common sense. If you give a sober fool a drink, he'll no longer be thirsty. If you tell a bad man to mend his ways, and he does, he's no longer bad; if he can't, let a tailor mend him. Anything that's mended is only patched, anyway; good people sinning are patched with sin, and sinners doing good are patched with goodness. . If that logic works, great; if not, well...what can ya do? The lady said to take away the fool, so again, I beg you: take _her_ away.

 **Olivia:** I told them to take _you_ away.

 **Feste:** Oh, I'm sorry! Lady, you can't judge a book by its cover! I may look like a fool, but me mind's bloody brilliant, I assure you. Please, let me _prove_ you're a fool.

 **Olivia:** Can you?

 **Feste:** Easily.

 **Olivia:** Go ahead, then. Prove it.

 **Feste:** I'll have to ask you some questions first. Please, my good little student, answer.

 **Olivia:** You know I'm only listening to you because I've got nothing better to do.

 **Feste:** Well. Lady, why are you in mourning?

 **Olivia:** Because my brother freaking _died,_ you idiot!

 **Feste:** I think he's in hell, lady.

 **Olivia:** What are you talking about?! Of course he's in heaven!

 **Feste:** Then you're a fool for being sad, since he's in heaven! Gentlemen, take away this fool.

 **Olivia:** What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Isn't he getting funnier?

 **Malvolio** : Yes, and he'll keep getting funnier till he dies. Old age always make people act funny, even the wise ones. They all become fools.

 **Feste:** I hope you go senile soon, then, so you become a more foolish fool! 'Ey, Sir Toby'd bet a fortune that I'm stupid, but he wouldn't put in two cents to say you're not a fool.

 **Olivia:** Ouch. What do you say to _that_ , Malvolio?

 **Malvolio:** I'm surprised you enjoy this idiotic troublemaker's company. The other day I saw him trounced in a battle of wits by a common jester no smarter than a rock. Look at him; he's speechless already! He can't think of anything to say unless someone's laughing at him. I swear, only jester's apprentices laugh at these sorts of fools.

 **Olivia:** Malvolio, your vanity is damaging your good taste. If you were a nice man, you wouldn't be bothered by what this fool is saying; you'd think of his jokes as little firecrackers, not bullets. A jester doesn't really criticize people, even if he _does_ make fun of them all day, and a wise person doesn't poke fun, even if he does nothing but criticize.

 **Feste:** You speak so well of us! I hope the deception gods reward you by making you a wonderful liar.

 _ **Enter MARIA**_

 **Maria:** Olivia, there's a young man at the gate who _really_ wants to talk to you.

 **Olivia:** Did Orsino send him?

 **Maria:** I don't know. He's good-looking, though, and he's got a lot of people with him.

 **Olivia:** Who's talking to him now?

 **Maria:** Your uncle Toby.

 **Olivia:** Oh, Jesus. Get Toby out of there; everything he says is nonsense!

 _ **Exit MARIA**_

 **Olivia:** Malvolio, go out there and talk to this kid. If he's got a message from Orsino, tell him I'm sick, or not at home, or _anything,_ as long as you get him to go away.

 _ **Exit MALVOLIO**_

 **Olivia:** Now you see how your fooling gets boring, and how people _don't like it._

 **Feste:** Oh, and for all you've spoken so highly of fools: thanks for that. The way you talk, you'd think your eldest son was going into that line of work. Pray God his skull gets crammed full up with brains, 'cos here comes a certain relative of yours who's pretty damn weak in the head.

 _ **Enter SIR TOBY**_

 **Olivia:** God, he's half drunk already. Who's at the gate, uncle?

 **Toby:** A gen'leman.

 **Olivia:** What gentleman?

 **Toby:** Ah...dunno. Some gen'leman ou' there. UGH, I hate pickled herring...heeey, wazzup, fool?

 **Feste:** Alright, Toby!

 **Olivia:** God, Uncle, how are you already this brain-dead so early in the morning?

 **Toby:** Brain-dead?! NAH. I def-delf-de _fy_ brain-death! An'way, someone's a' th' gate.

 **Olivia:** _Yes,_ but who _is_ he?

 **Toby:** Oh, I dunno, let 'm be the Devil hisself if he wants. Whaddo I care?

 _ **Exit SIR TOBY**_

 **Olivia:** Feste, what's a drunk man like?

 **Feste:** A fool and a drowned man, m'lady. The first drink makes him the fool, the second makes him crazy, and the third drowns him.

 **Olivia:** Go find the coroner to come and take a look at my uncle, because he's already drowned. Go take care of him, will you?

 **Feste:** Oh, he's not drowned yet, just crazy...but fine. If that's what you want.

 _ **Exit FESTE, enter MALVOLIO**_

 **Malvolio:** Olivia, that young kid insists on speaking with you. I told him you were sick, but he said he already knew that, and that that was _why_ he sought you out in the first place. He said the same thing when I told him you were sleeping. What can I tell him? He's got an answer for everything!

 **Olivia:** Tell him he can't speak with me!

 **Malvolio:** I _did_. He said he'll stand out there like a signpost until someone lets him in.

 **Olivia:** Well...what's he like?

 **Malvolio:** He's very rude. He says he'll speak with you whether you want him to or not.

 **Olivia:** What does he look like? How old is he?

 **Malvolio:** He's...somewhere between being a boy and being a man. He's very handsome, and speaks well, but he looks like he only just got weaned off breast milk.

 **Olivia:** Fine, let him in. Get Maria for me.

 **Malvolio:** Maria, Olivia needs you.

 _ **Exit MALVOLIO, enter MARIA**_

 **Olivia:** Help me put on my veil; I need to hide my face. This kid is from Orsino; we'll be hearing his pleas _again_.

 _ **Enter VIOLA**_

 **Viola:** Which one of you is the lady of the house:

 **Olivia:** I represent her; you can talk to me. What do you want?

 **Viola:** God, you're beautiful, unmatchably beautiful...but please, I need to speak to the lady of the house. I spent a lot of time memorizing this lovely speech, and I'd hate to waste it on the wrong person. Please don't treat me badly; I'm so very sensitive, and you'll hurt my feelings if you're rude to me.

 **Olivia:** Where did you come from?

 **Viola:** I'm sorry, but the answer to that question isn't part of the speech I was meant to deliver. Please, just confirm whether you're the lady or not so I can get on with things.

 **Olivia:** Are you an actor?

 **Viola:** No, but I'm not who I seem to be, either. Are you the lady or not?

 **Olivia:** I am, unless I stole this part.

 **Viola:** Um...okay? What's yours to give isn't yours to keep...but never mind.

 **Olivia:** Oh, just skip whatever praise you're planning to give me and get to the point!

 **Viola:** Aw, that's too bad. It's so poetic, this speech that I took _ages_ to memorize.

 **Olivia:** That means it's more likely to be fake! Please, just keep it to yourself. The only reason I let you in is because I heard you were rude and got curious; that doesn't mean I want to listen to you! If you're crazy, then get out of here. If you're not, then I'd _really_ appreciate it if you got to the point, because I'm not exactly in the mood for lunacy or ridiculous conversations.

 **Maria:** Well, sir? Are you going to leave?

 **Viola:**...No, I think I'll stay a bit longer.

 **Olivia:** Just tell me what you want!

 **Viola:** I have a message to deliver.

 **Olivia:** Well, it must be a pretty horrible message, if you're this rude about delivering it. What is it?

 **Viola:** It's about you, but it's really nothing bad. I come in peace.

 **Olivia:** But you began so rudely! Who even are you? What do you _want_?

 **Viola:** I was only rude because that's how I was treated when I got here! Who I am and what I want are secret, and this secret is sacred, just for you. I can't tell anyone else.

 **Olivia:** Maria, leave me; I've got a 'sacred' secret to hear.

 _ **Exit MARIA**_

 **Olivia:** So...what is this holy secret?

 **Viola:** My sweet Olivia-

 **Olivia:** 'Sweet!' Ooh, I like it already. What passage of the Bible are you quoting your sermon from, then?

 **Viola:** Orsino's heart.

 **Olivia:** His heart? What chapter and verse of his heart?

 **Viola:** According to the table of contents, the first chapter.

 **Olivia:** Oh, I've read _that_ ; it's hersey. Were you planning to say anything else?

 **Viola:** May I see your face?

 **Olivia:** Did Orsino ask you to negotiate with my face? I don't think so! You're very presumptuous, you know...but...fine. _**Lifts veil**_ Here. Here's my face. A very pretty face, wouldn't you agree?

 **Viola:** If it's not made up, then...yeah.

 **Olivia:** Oh, it's completely _au naturel_ , just as God made it. Nothing could wash off this face.

 **Viola:** That's true beauty, then. Lady, it'd be such a waste to let this beauty die with you, without leaving children to inherit your beautiful features for future generations to enjoy.

 **Olivia:** Oh, I'd never be _that_ cruel. I'll do just as you say and leave my beauty for future generations to admire...by writing a detailed inventory of my every feature! Two gray eyes, two red lips, one neck, one chin, you know. Anyway, were you just sent here to tell me how beautiful I know I am?

 **Viola:** Oh, _I_ see how it is: you're too proud...but you're still gorgeous. Orsino loves you, you know. You really _should_ return so deep a love as that, even if you _are_ the most beautiful woman in the world.

 **Olivia:** How does he love me?

 **Viola:** Oh, he adores you. Cries, moans, sighs; he's absolutely mad for you.

 **Olivia:** Look, Orsino knows what I think; I can't love him. I'm sure he's nice, and all: noble, rich, young, good, generous, smart, brave, handsome, the whole nine yards...but I just can't love him. He should know that by now, honestly!

 **Viola:** Look, if I loved you as much as he does, your rejection wouldn't make any sense to me.

 **Olivia:** Well, what would you do about it?

 **Viola:** I'd build myself a little cabin in the woods to imprison my soul, write sad songs about unrequited love and broken hearts, and shout your name at the top of my lungs to lonely and uncaring hills, making them echo down to me a keening "Olivia!" You wouldn't be able to go anywhere without feeling sorry for me.

 **Olivia:** Not bad, not bad...but still. I can't love Orsino; I really can't. Tell him not to send anymore messengers, unless he wants to send you back to tell me how badly he took the news of my rejection. Goodbye, and...thanks for your trouble. Here's some money for you. _**Offers VIOLA money**_

 **Viola:** Keep your cash; I'm not a paid messenger. It's Orsino who's not getting the reward he deserves, not me. I hope you fall in love with a man whose heart is as cold as stone and who treats your love like a big, stupid joke, just like you've done to him. Goodbye, you cruel, beautiful woman.

 _ **Exit VIOLA**_

 **Olivia:** Oh, he's a gentleman, no doubt about that: his face, his way of speaking, his body, and his sensitive soul prove that much! No, no- calm down. Bad Olivia. Oh, if only Orsino were more like _him_! Wow, this is so strange...is it possible to fall in love this quickly?! I can feel this man's perfection creeping in through my eyes like some disease...oh, well. Malvolio! Get in here.

 _ **Enter MALVOLIO**_

 **Malvolio:** At your service, milady.

 **Olivia:** Go after that obnoxious messenger of Orsino's. He insisted I take this ring whether I wanted it or not; tell him I want nothing to do with it. _**Hands MALVOLIO the ring**_ Tell him not to encourage Orsino or give him any hope; he's not the man for me. If that man comes back tomorrow, I'll tell him why.

 **Malvolio:**...All right.

 _ **Exit MALVOLIO**_

 **Olivia:** I don't know what I'm _doing!_ Oh, I'm falling for his good looks; I'm not using my head! Well, if this is what Fate wants, then...I guess it's meant to happen! Fate, do your worst!

 _ **Exit OLIVIA**_


End file.
